Wednesday, April 22, 2015

All I'm asking for is Time...

my heart is broken.  I have no idea what to do.  I love my parents so much but I cannot begin to fix their ailments.

I don't even know what to say.  I just know I need to write.  I need to get something off my chest.  I need to verbalize my feelings the best that I can for now...

I want my dad to feel better.  If I could, I would take all his pain for him.  I would do anything as long as it would give me more time with him.

All I want is good quality time with him.  Why else would I wake up at 4:30 every morning if I didn't want that?

I love our time together in the mornings.  I love spending afternoons with him on Monday and the weekends.  I just want time.  I want to pause time and spend as much as I can with my parents.  I love them more than I could ever say.  They are two of my best friends.

I'm at a loss.  I don't know what to do.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

an... update?

I've written two extremely long blogs today that I can't post.  I can't finish my thoughts.

I'm bouncing from subject to subject...

This has been my problem and my reason for not blogging.

I can't say how I really feel because people get hurt.

People can't let me voice my feelings without getting upset at something I say.

So therefore I stopped writing these things down.

I stopped blogging although I have a shit ton to say.

I have to try to rewrite things to make them politically correct or make sure I'm not going to hurt anyone's feelings... therefore when I try to write I can't handle it.  I can't handle editing myself.

That's just ridiculous.

My blog was my outlet... now I don't have it.

Here's the gist:
I'm celebrating my 3 year wedding anniversary with my husband.

I'm still bipolar.

I harbor a lot of anger toward about 95% of my family on my dad's side (I'm not sure of the math, I just know that it's more people than not)

I'm still anxious.

I still have flashbacks.

My body still hurts.

I can't expand on any of these things because I can't focus.  Hurrah mania!