I'm going to miss you, Don.

  I was a senior in high school when my mom and dad brought Don Vito home.  I remember the day very clearly.  I was home while my mom and dad were out shopping and my mom walked into the house and told me they got a puppy and my dad was outside with him.  I walked into the front yard and saw my dad laying on the grass and playing with him.  He was so freaking cute with his floppy ears and giant paws.  Little did we know then that he'd be a short, stocky little thing!
  I have many fond memories of Don.  He would sit with me while I studied, he would attack my ponytail when I laid on the floor... he would dance for my mom and the cats loved him.
   He became a grumpy old man in the last few years but he would still melt your heart when he'd look at you with those precious brown eyes as you pet him.
   He reminded me a lot of a puppy once again in his last few months... He was such a loving soul.  I'm going to miss him so much.  I knew the day was coming that we would lose him but his death still stung .  Losing a furry baby always breaks my heart. R.I.P. Don Vito.  You will be greatly missed.

depression, you asshole.

   Sometimes, when I'm depressed I can write for days.  Other times, I can't focus on anything, let alone writing.  This current round of depression has been one where I can't concentrate for shit.  It takes me days to finish a crochet project that should take me hours and I have trouble finding inspiration.
   I have some good days though.  I have days when I'm happy for the most part of the day but then when it comes to night, I can't turn off my brain and the sadness comes back.  I absolutely hate when I'm like this and wish to be normal.  I would love to be normal and have a brain that doesn't make me super paranoid, depressed, anxious, obsessive, distracted and a whole mess of other negative things.  I would even trade my creativity for normalcy.  I wouldn't mind being considered "boring" or "plain" if it means that I don't constantly cry.
   When I'm like this, I tend to hide my feelings and put on a facade for the rest of the world.  I even hide how I feel from my husband because when I don't I'm a complete and total asshole.  I start to let my paranoia and hallucinations get to me and then I accuse him of cheating on me and I just hate myself for being so mean.
   How can I not feel the way I do?  If I were him, I'd cheat on me.  I suck.  I honestly don't know how anyone could love me.  I'm horrible and I hate me.
   I wish I could be anyone else but me sometimes.
   I'm going to continue to try to smile because they say it's contagious and I hope that it's true and that my body will catch it and I will smile for real.  My smile will be genuine and not this fake thing that allows only part of me to smile but not from deep within my soul.
 
   On a non-depression topic... my parents got a new puppy and I'm totally in love with him and he makes my heart smile.  I'm waiting for that smile to reach the rest of me.  I love him so much and I miss him when I'm not with him, it's the way I feel about my furry babies.  I miss them when I'm not with them and when I see them, they make me feel whole.  They fill places in my heart that I didn't even know were empty.