Friday, December 27, 2013

My Christmas Season

   I had a lovely Christmas season, despite being extremely stressed out from not having enough time during the day to complete every craft project I wanted/needed to do.  I have a few I.O.Us out there to people, but I'm confident in myself in getting them done.  Then, I can start to prepare for the next year.
   I will start with the good, because mostly things were good.

   Hispanicah with my parents, grandmum and husband was good.  It was great actually.  I enjoyed myself very much and looked forward to every day of Hispanicah.  For those who don't know, Hispanicah is a tradition that has evolved over the last 17+ years.  It started out with my mom and I wanting to open a present a few days early when I was in my early teen years, then it became something we started to do yearly and over the years we have it pretty much down to a science.  We start celebrating on the 17th of December and continue for the next 7 days till December 23rd in which we celebrate Christmas and the last day of Hispanicah with my other grandmum, uncle and aunts and cousins as well as my parents, grandmum and husband.
   We have a huge turkey dinner and open presents.  I love it.  So, I know I kinda left you hanging on Hispanicah, essentially what we do for those 7 days, is we exchange a small gift.  My grandmum gives gifts two days, my husband and I for two days and my parents for three days.  It's just a way to extend the season of giving.
   On Christmas Eve day, I spent some time with my parents and great aunts while my husband worked.  I then waited for him to get home so we could head over to my parents to open gifts with them.  It was awesome.  Got lots of great things from my parents, they opened a huge chunk of their IOUs as well.  When we got home we hung out for a while since it was pretty late and then we went to sleep... but I couldn't sleep so I was up off and on and even woke up before my alarm went off and showered and made my hubby and I coffee Christmas morning.

   Here's where I discuss the bad... I used to spend Christmas Eve at my great aunt's house with my family and would watch them open gifts, however since I am kind of on the outs with my family, I didn't do that this year.  I think I was just doing it over the last couple of years for my Great Grandma's sake.  Since she's gone, I don't have any reason to do so.  It kind of sucks not having things the way they used to be, but at least I'm not as exhausted by having to put on a fake smile around people who frankly, piss me off.  I did my part for the funeral but it never changed my feelings on these people and how they have disappointed me by being so self centered and treating me like crap.

   It's fine, I'm not as stressed on time as I used to be about spending a fair amount of time with each family function and having no time to rest.
   Well, on Christmas day we went to my grandmum's as tradition dictates for the last thirty years of my life and opened presents with my grandmum and aunt, uncle cousins and their partners and my parents.  My husband asked me if he should take a tub for our presents, I knowingly told him that we werent going to get much because we no longer participate in the family gift drawing and the only gifts we'd get would be from my aunt and uncle and grandmum.
   It kind of pisses me off because one of my cousins has a fucking job and didn't even bother to get me a fucking card.  I'm not even asking for a GIFT.  I just want some thought sent my way.  I guess it all depends on how you spin it, but I was raised to think of others before I think of myself.  My entire fucking family sans very few people were raised to think of themselves first, others last if even at all.  I'm seriously disgusted and thinking about putting very little thought, if any into next year's gifts.  DOLLAR STORE SHIT FOR ALL YOU SELFISH FUCKERS.
   It's hard for me to do that though, because I really do enjoy watching people open gifts that I've put thought into.  I have, however, been slowly evolving into a person who can live with a much smaller version of her family and not putting on that mask that I've been putting on for years.  I'm not forcing a filter over the things I say any longer.  It's simply this:  If you don't like me as is, then you can fuck off.
   I'm done.  That is all.  Finished.
   I am refusing to let these people harm me or put me into deep depressions any longer.  I already have enough anger for the last thirty years of life to do this for me.  I'm fighting a losing battle over mental illness.  I hate to admit it, but it's slowly taking over my life.  I don't need to fight anyone else's demons when I have my own.  I've tried to be supportive and I've tried to let people know I am there for them, but in the end, who's there for me?  My husband? My parents?  That's it.  They are the only ones who help me and love me no matter what.  Everyone else has these crappy conditions that I just can't meet.  I can't do it.  I just want to be loved for me.  I just want to be loved despite the fact that I am angry or mentally ill or cry at the drop of a hat.  I can't fucking help it.  I can't.  Unless you have mental illness, you will never understand.