Saturday, March 22, 2014

I'm going to miss you, Don.

  I was a senior in high school when my mom and dad brought Don Vito home.  I remember the day very clearly.  I was home while my mom and dad were out shopping and my mom walked into the house and told me they got a puppy and my dad was outside with him.  I walked into the front yard and saw my dad laying on the grass and playing with him.  He was so freaking cute with his floppy ears and giant paws.  Little did we know then that he'd be a short, stocky little thing!
  I have many fond memories of Don.  He would sit with me while I studied, he would attack my ponytail when I laid on the floor... he would dance for my mom and the cats loved him.
   He became a grumpy old man in the last few years but he would still melt your heart when he'd look at you with those precious brown eyes as you pet him.
   He reminded me a lot of a puppy once again in his last few months... He was such a loving soul.  I'm going to miss him so much.  I knew the day was coming that we would lose him but his death still stung .  Losing a furry baby always breaks my heart. R.I.P. Don Vito.  You will be greatly missed.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

no sleep makes Jessie a dull girl...

  I can't sleep so I decided to watch Sunday's episode of Girls that I missed.  I can't remember what episode it was but after watching it, I'm trying to be more aware of myself.  The reason why is because in the episode one of the characters said something about writers always being self-absorbed and making everything about them... and that's exactly how Hannah is and I don't want to be like her because she sucks and has narcissistic personality disorder to such a extent that it pisses me off.  I asked my husband if it was true about what the chick said about writers, if I'm like that and he said I am like that.

  I have to admit, it stung when he said that.  I can't be angry or too upset though, because I asked. And really you shouldn't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer to.  So I've been trying to be more aware and kill off my natural desire to tell a relatable story of my own when someone tells me something.
  It's kind of hard to do when instinct makes me want to tell people stories so that they know they aren't alone, but if people don't like that... I will work on a change.  It still doesn't take away the sting of being told you're self absorbed but it puts me on a path of being a more likable person...

   I'm still in a bad place after that dream I had and I think that's partially why I'm afraid of going to sleep tonight.  I hate that I fear sleep because it takes me places in my mind that I thought I had closed off... my cousin is my Freddy Krueger. I hate him. I hate him with every fiber of my being.  I try not to waste my energy on hatred but fuck, I'm so mentally screwed because of him that I'm completely broken and unfixable.  I've spent the last 4 years working on pushing him and his memories so far down and getting to a place that feels somewhat happy just to have one tiny dream make all my work crumble away.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

the ghost of my past...

  I just woke up from the worst dream ever. It bothers me so much that after all these years I am still plagued with nightmares over what happened to me as a child.  I've actually been doing very well well and haven't had a nightmare in such a long time... but this had to be the worst.  It didn't make any sense and I couldn't escape my cousin even after his death (he was dead in my dream, not in reality).  He was a ghost, haunting my every move. He was everywhere.  It was awful.
   My heart is aching so much because I have this flood of memories and emotions washing over me. This is why I can't be around most of my extended family...  they still invited him to functions and even had functions involving him and his family after I took the leap and told them about what he did to me.  They only heard what happened... they didn't have to hear the disgusting details that I am stuck knowing alone.  I'm so ashamed and disgusted about what happene to me as a child that I could never bring myself to say most of it out loud.  I wish that my silence would make it go away... but it doesn't.  It just stays buried in me and only surfaces in my memory.
   I need a fucking hug right now and I need someone's shoulder to cry on.  I need someone who won't get angry or upset about the whole situation and will just let me cry and comfort me without prejudice or make me feel bad for showing emotion.
   Ugh. I hate this.I hate crying and giving him any power over me.

Friday, March 7, 2014

depression, you asshole.

   Sometimes, when I'm depressed I can write for days.  Other times, I can't focus on anything, let alone writing.  This current round of depression has been one where I can't concentrate for shit.  It takes me days to finish a crochet project that should take me hours and I have trouble finding inspiration.
   I have some good days though.  I have days when I'm happy for the most part of the day but then when it comes to night, I can't turn off my brain and the sadness comes back.  I absolutely hate when I'm like this and wish to be normal.  I would love to be normal and have a brain that doesn't make me super paranoid, depressed, anxious, obsessive, distracted and a whole mess of other negative things.  I would even trade my creativity for normalcy.  I wouldn't mind being considered "boring" or "plain" if it means that I don't constantly cry.
   When I'm like this, I tend to hide my feelings and put on a facade for the rest of the world.  I even hide how I feel from my husband because when I don't I'm a complete and total asshole.  I start to let my paranoia and hallucinations get to me and then I accuse him of cheating on me and I just hate myself for being so mean.
   How can I not feel the way I do?  If I were him, I'd cheat on me.  I suck.  I honestly don't know how anyone could love me.  I'm horrible and I hate me.
   I wish I could be anyone else but me sometimes.
   I'm going to continue to try to smile because they say it's contagious and I hope that it's true and that my body will catch it and I will smile for real.  My smile will be genuine and not this fake thing that allows only part of me to smile but not from deep within my soul.
 
   On a non-depression topic... my parents got a new puppy and I'm totally in love with him and he makes my heart smile.  I'm waiting for that smile to reach the rest of me.  I love him so much and I miss him when I'm not with him, it's the way I feel about my furry babies.  I miss them when I'm not with them and when I see them, they make me feel whole.  They fill places in my heart that I didn't even know were empty.

Friday, December 27, 2013

My Christmas Season

   I had a lovely Christmas season, despite being extremely stressed out from not having enough time during the day to complete every craft project I wanted/needed to do.  I have a few I.O.Us out there to people, but I'm confident in myself in getting them done.  Then, I can start to prepare for the next year.
   I will start with the good, because mostly things were good.

   Hispanicah with my parents, grandmum and husband was good.  It was great actually.  I enjoyed myself very much and looked forward to every day of Hispanicah.  For those who don't know, Hispanicah is a tradition that has evolved over the last 17+ years.  It started out with my mom and I wanting to open a present a few days early when I was in my early teen years, then it became something we started to do yearly and over the years we have it pretty much down to a science.  We start celebrating on the 17th of December and continue for the next 7 days till December 23rd in which we celebrate Christmas and the last day of Hispanicah with my other grandmum, uncle and aunts and cousins as well as my parents, grandmum and husband.
   We have a huge turkey dinner and open presents.  I love it.  So, I know I kinda left you hanging on Hispanicah, essentially what we do for those 7 days, is we exchange a small gift.  My grandmum gives gifts two days, my husband and I for two days and my parents for three days.  It's just a way to extend the season of giving.
 
   On Christmas Eve day, I spent some time with my parents and great aunts while my husband worked.  I then waited for him to get home so we could head over to my parents to open gifts with them.  It was awesome.  Got lots of great things from my parents, they opened a huge chunk of their IOUs as well.  When we got home we hung out for a while since it was pretty late and then we went to sleep... but I couldn't sleep so I was up off and on and even woke up before my alarm went off and showered and made my hubby and I coffee Christmas morning.

   Here's where I discuss the bad... I used to spend Christmas Eve at my great aunt's house with my family and would watch them open gifts, however since I am kind of on the outs with my family, I didn't do that this year.  I think I was just doing it over the last couple of years for my Great Grandma's sake.  Since she's gone, I don't have any reason to do so.  It kind of sucks not having things the way they used to be, but at least I'm not as exhausted by having to put on a fake smile around people who frankly, piss me off.  I did my part for the funeral but it never changed my feelings on these people and how they have disappointed me by being so self centered and treating me like crap.

   It's fine, I'm not as stressed on time as I used to be about spending a fair amount of time with each family function and having no time to rest.
 
   Well, on Christmas day we went to my grandmum's as tradition dictates for the last thirty years of my life and opened presents with my grandmum and aunt, uncle cousins and their partners and my parents.  My husband asked me if he should take a tub for our presents, I knowingly told him that we werent going to get much because we no longer participate in the family gift drawing and the only gifts we'd get would be from my aunt and uncle and grandmum.
   It kind of pisses me off because one of my cousins has a fucking job and didn't even bother to get me a fucking card.  I'm not even asking for a GIFT.  I just want some thought sent my way.  I guess it all depends on how you spin it, but I was raised to think of others before I think of myself.  My entire fucking family sans very few people were raised to think of themselves first, others last if even at all.  I'm seriously disgusted and thinking about putting very little thought, if any into next year's gifts.  DOLLAR STORE SHIT FOR ALL YOU SELFISH FUCKERS.
   It's hard for me to do that though, because I really do enjoy watching people open gifts that I've put thought into.  I have, however, been slowly evolving into a person who can live with a much smaller version of her family and not putting on that mask that I've been putting on for years.  I'm not forcing a filter over the things I say any longer.  It's simply this:  If you don't like me as is, then you can fuck off.
   I'm done.  That is all.  Finished.
   I am refusing to let these people harm me or put me into deep depressions any longer.  I already have enough anger for the last thirty years of life to do this for me.  I'm fighting a losing battle over mental illness.  I hate to admit it, but it's slowly taking over my life.  I don't need to fight anyone else's demons when I have my own.  I've tried to be supportive and I've tried to let people know I am there for them, but in the end, who's there for me?  My husband? My parents?  That's it.  They are the only ones who help me and love me no matter what.  Everyone else has these crappy conditions that I just can't meet.  I can't do it.  I just want to be loved for me.  I just want to be loved despite the fact that I am angry or mentally ill or cry at the drop of a hat.  I can't fucking help it.  I can't.  Unless you have mental illness, you will never understand.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Love, bipolar style.

   In a world where marriage isn't as sacred as it once was, it's hard to make the decision to get married.  It's hard to decide if you want to spend your life with someone or not.

The words "till death do us part" do not carry the same meaning anymore.

Marriage isn't sacred any longer.  It's just something people do.  Like changing underwear.  I know people who have been married and divorced multiple times before the age of 30.  THIRTY!

I know some people who should have been divorced a long time ago but for some fucked up reason are still together even though they hate each others' guts.  Or at least, that's the way they come off.

At the age of 15, I wanted to get married and be a wife and mother.  At the age of 19, I hated men and decided I never wanted to get married.  At the age of 22, I became lonely and desired companionship but couldn't find anyone that I could see spending my life with.

At the age of 25, the guy I'd been crushing on for years was finally single.

After the first night we hung out, I saw myself spending every waking moment loving him.

I'm difficult to be in a relationship with, the paranoia, jealousy, angry outbursts, rage etc. that are all part of me, make me a ticking time bomb that knows no bounds.

I was a decent girlfriend, an iffy fiance and I am a terrible wife.

You see, when I am manic, I suck.  When I am depressed, I suck.  There's really no in between.

Over the last few years, I've grown tired of pretending with life.  I've grown tired of putting on a fake smile, I've grown tired of acting happy.  I've grown tired of being around people that essentially piss me off.

I've always been kind of mouthy.  It's always been a fault of mine to have  no filter.  I don't know if it's my mental illness or just plain assholeness.  

I wanted to spend my life with my husband because he was the first person that loved me despite all my faults.  He was the first person that could handle such an alpha female.  Not many men are comfortable enough in their masculinity to accept a woman who refuses to follow the protocol of what the world views as alpha and beta.

With my husband, I've been able to let myself be vulnerable and deal with the shit that I pushed down to the bottom of my mind and tried to forget but couldn't.

I no longer have to be the fake version of myself.  I get to be the real me.

I know that it's bad to be so dependent on someone and to make someone your world, but how can I not make him my world when he's the reason I'm not completely broken anymore.

We aren't a perfect couple.  We fight, a lot.  But at the end of the day, he's everything I wanted in a man, and more.


Monday, November 11, 2013

A Beautiful Mind

Over the last few years, I've met some amazing people via Twitter.  Such talent, such amazing souls.  Today, I want to talk about my friend Deborah who designs these amazing knits and makes me wish I knew how to knit as beautifully or intricately as she designs.

Her mind is so beautiful.  I mean, to be able to see something in your head and put it to yarn and create these amazing patterns, that's just beyond dreams.

I had put knitting on a backburner but after seeing all the beautiful stuff she comes out with, it makes me want to just automatically know how to do everything knit related so I can give some sort of tribute to the beauty of her work.

I'm in awe of her.  She makes me smile and think.  She makes me happy.  Her designs make me happy.  I wish I could only do them justice right now.

If you are a knitter, you should check her out on ravelry: ObliviousKnits

You should check her out and try out her beautiful patterns.