Wednesday, April 22, 2015

All I'm asking for is Time...

my heart is broken.  I have no idea what to do.  I love my parents so much but I cannot begin to fix their ailments.

I don't even know what to say.  I just know I need to write.  I need to get something off my chest.  I need to verbalize my feelings the best that I can for now...

I want my dad to feel better.  If I could, I would take all his pain for him.  I would do anything as long as it would give me more time with him.

All I want is good quality time with him.  Why else would I wake up at 4:30 every morning if I didn't want that?

I love our time together in the mornings.  I love spending afternoons with him on Monday and the weekends.  I just want time.  I want to pause time and spend as much as I can with my parents.  I love them more than I could ever say.  They are two of my best friends.

I'm at a loss.  I don't know what to do.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

an... update?

I've written two extremely long blogs today that I can't post.  I can't finish my thoughts.

I'm bouncing from subject to subject...

This has been my problem and my reason for not blogging.

I can't say how I really feel because people get hurt.

People can't let me voice my feelings without getting upset at something I say.

So therefore I stopped writing these things down.

I stopped blogging although I have a shit ton to say.

I have to try to rewrite things to make them politically correct or make sure I'm not going to hurt anyone's feelings... therefore when I try to write I can't handle it.  I can't handle editing myself.

That's just ridiculous.

My blog was my outlet... now I don't have it.

Here's the gist:
I'm celebrating my 3 year wedding anniversary with my husband.

I'm still bipolar.

I harbor a lot of anger toward about 95% of my family on my dad's side (I'm not sure of the math, I just know that it's more people than not)

I'm still anxious.

I still have flashbacks.

My body still hurts.

I can't expand on any of these things because I can't focus.  Hurrah mania!

Friday, March 6, 2015


Creativity has been my outlet lately and I'm dying to write but I can't seem to find the words to express myself as needed.  Tonight, I'm making myself find these words because if I don't... I may just implode.

I feel alone. I feel like I'm trying to breathe underwater and the more I try, the more trouble I have.

I hate that I don't know when I feel real joy or when I'm just pretending because I feel that my entire life has been one giant acting job.

I'm so scared about losing my dad.  I'm so scared that my husband will find someone else who is better and more deserving of him.

I'm worried about all this shit that's going on with my body and I don't want to find out what is wrong with me because I'm scared that what I think is wrong, is really what's wrong...

I'm worried about losing my mom.  I would die without her.  I'm not a strong person.  I only pretend to be.

I have so many things jumping around my head it's overwhelming me.

I'm just fucking scared and that is all.

I really fucking hate my cousin and anything associated with him. I want to tell my family how much I hate them for so easily brushing me aside and forgetting my existence.

I want to punch certain people in my family when they seemingly bring him up on purpose when I'm around... they do it like it's nothing.  I hate it.

I can't tell anyone anything about how I feel because people get upset and can't let me just have my feelings.  I'm not allowed to feel the way I want.

I'm fucked.