Friday, March 17, 2017

you'd be pretty if...

I've spent my entire life feeling completely ugly.  It hurts to type this, but it is a true statement.  My parents seemed to be the only people who never told me, "you'd be pretty if..." but when you look like me and you have attractive parents, you can't help but feel they are doing what parents do...  Trying to make their child feel good about themselves.

I'm not trying to get compliments, I'm just trying to sort out my feelings.

It's not something that can be so easily fixed.  It really isn't.  Years of hearing things... years of being told, "I can only imagine how beautiful you'd be if you lost weight..." "You'd be so pretty if you smiled more..." ""I wonder what you'd look like if you put a little effort into your appearance.." etc.

I was always considered the "smart one" which isn't so bad, but in a world where image is everything, it's not great.

I was made fun of in school because of my weight. I was bullied for the way I looked.  I had to compensate in some way for the way I looked.  I had to be super nice.  I had to be super giving.  I had to be funny.  I had to make fun of myself before others did it because I just couldn't handle it.

I hated waking up most mornings because I had to wake up as me.  Not only was I stuck with this broken brain that made life ridiculously hard, but I was also stuck in this body.  This body that I had made in order to not be touched ever because I hated being touched.  I hated the memories that came with being touched, I hated those feelings.  So I created an armor of fat to keep everyone away.

Being a victim of molestation fucks you up so bad.  I think if I were stupid, it wouldn't be so hard.  It would be easier to forgive those who hurt me.  But I can't because I have to live every fucking day in this body.  I have to live with this fucking face that makes me cringe every fucking time I look in the mirror.

For a brief period in time... I actually felt pretty but now, now it's even worse... My body has started to fight me.  My body and brain are trying to destroy me.  I not only have to wake up in a shitty body, but it's a body that is constantly in pain.  My brain is constantly in pain.  I can't ever escape myself.

I'm chasing that feeling that I once had... I want to feel attractive.  I hate having to "fish" for compliments and I hate that when I say how I feel people think they have to say things to make me feel better, I just want to feel beautiful.  I need to hear the words without prompting anyone.

I know this is all over the place, but it's the only way my brain processes thoughts.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

An open letter

I woke up early.  That's nothing new.  I wake up many times throughout the night and rarely sleep for more than two or three hours at a time (if even that).  But today, today I woke up and for some fucking reason, my heart immediately was hurting.  I had no idea why.  I was just sad, again this is nothing new for me because it happens frequently.  When you're mentally ill, you kind of get used to feeling certain ways and not quite understanding why.

Apparently, today my brain wanted to salt my open wounds.  I saw in my memories on Facebook that time when I was still talking to my dad's side of the family... before I let everyone know my secret shame that I had been living with for 25 years,  It's been almost 5 years since I told everyone.  Five years since I started seeing people for who they really are.  Five years since I decided to stop forgiving those who hurt me.

I'm writing an open letter to my family.  If you have no clue what I'm talking about, this doesn't apply to you.  If you are still my friend on Facebook, this does not apply to you.

Dear "Family"

You have hurt me dearly.  You have broken my heart.  You tossed me aside as if I was nothing more than a piece of useless garbage.  You made me feel as though I wasn't important enough, good enough, whatever enough to love.

I came to all you assholes to let you know that I was not strong enough to be around Bernard because he triggered memories of what he did to me.  Being around him made me physically ill.  I wanted you all to help me.  Rally around me and help me to feel the love I needed to become stronger.  I know that I'm breaking some sort of fucking rule by actually admitting weakness, but I don't care.  It's what I needed, wanted, hoped for.

I got nothing of the sort.  I got dropped.  My heart was smashed into a million pieces.  At first, I was hopeful, because I thought you all just needed time to process what I told you.  Then that hope turned to hate and anger because you embraced him and pushed me away.

I know that I told all of you that I didn't want you to choose sides, but that was because I didn't really know you all would choose his.  I thought that since I was the one who was the victim in all this that it would automatically be me.  I thought that you all would want to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay and that you were going to be there for me to support me.

I told some of you I had to remove you from Facebook because I didn't want to see his or his family's comments on your status updates.  I hoped that you would say, "No, I love you.  What he did was wrong, I'd rather have you in my life."  Instead, I got "okay."  Not one fucking person said they would remove him rather than lose me.  Not one of you fucks.

When a couple of you did decide to remove him and add me, I went along with it.  It still hurt me because it took so fucking long for it to happen.  I finally got tired of seeing all of you with your inside jokes with each other and opted to remove myself completely.

It really hurt to see how easy it was for you to continue on without me.  It hurt to know how easy it was for everyone to be so happy knowing how much pain I was in.

I still call or text some of you on your birthdays, because despite how badly you have hurt me, I still think of you.

I don't get the same consideration.  Maybe 1/4 of you think of me on my birthday.

I've decided to put as much effort into our relationships as you all do.  Mostly, it's no effort.  Thank you for making that part easy on me.

When I came to some of you, you said, "That's why you're so angry." or "You were just kids, you didn't understand." or "Put on your big girl panties"  These are direct quotes.  They're so fucking disgusting.  Do you know how much that fucking stung?

Hell yeah I was an angry teenager.

Do you not understand the impact of what Bernard did?  Here's what I've been able to come to understand throughout the years of therapy that I've had to endure.

When I was a child, I would go to the kitchen to get a snack to get away from him.  I DID THIS A LOT.  Because of this, I gained a shit ton of weight and a habit of emotional eating. I was a skinny kid up until he started molesting me.  Go ahead, look at pics from before I was 4 years old.

I didn't want to hang out with the other kids because of this shit.  Do you remember how you all would say what an old soul I was because I preferred to hang out with you assholes?

I gained weight subconsciously so that no one would ever be attracted to me because I DIDN'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED.

I never gave any of you the details of what happened to me because you motherfuckers don't care.  You only want to believe what you want to believe.  You went to great lengths to try to not believe what I said.  One of you even had the audacity to tell me, "What do you want me to do about it." What. The. Fuck.  What do you think I want you to do?  I wanted you to fucking tell me that it sucked that I had to go through something so traumatic, that you were there for me, that you fucking loved me.  But I didn't get any of that.

You all helped to harvest this intense loathing I feel toward many of you.

I will be polite to you when I see you, but I see through so many of you.  I see you for who/what you really are.  Selfish.  Caring about no one but yourselves and anyone who will kiss your ass.  Therefore, why should I care about you?  I'm doing to you guys, what you did to me,  I'm tossing you out like the garbage you tossed me out with.