Saturday, March 22, 2014

I'm going to miss you, Don.

  I was a senior in high school when my mom and dad brought Don Vito home.  I remember the day very clearly.  I was home while my mom and dad were out shopping and my mom walked into the house and told me they got a puppy and my dad was outside with him.  I walked into the front yard and saw my dad laying on the grass and playing with him.  He was so freaking cute with his floppy ears and giant paws.  Little did we know then that he'd be a short, stocky little thing!
  I have many fond memories of Don.  He would sit with me while I studied, he would attack my ponytail when I laid on the floor... he would dance for my mom and the cats loved him.
   He became a grumpy old man in the last few years but he would still melt your heart when he'd look at you with those precious brown eyes as you pet him.
   He reminded me a lot of a puppy once again in his last few months... He was such a loving soul.  I'm going to miss him so much.  I knew the day was coming that we would lose him but his death still stung .  Losing a furry baby always breaks my heart. R.I.P. Don Vito.  You will be greatly missed.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

no sleep makes Jessie a dull girl...

  I can't sleep so I decided to watch Sunday's episode of Girls that I missed.  I can't remember what episode it was but after watching it, I'm trying to be more aware of myself.  The reason why is because in the episode one of the characters said something about writers always being self-absorbed and making everything about them... and that's exactly how Hannah is and I don't want to be like her because she sucks and has narcissistic personality disorder to such a extent that it pisses me off.  I asked my husband if it was true about what the chick said about writers, if I'm like that and he said I am like that.

  I have to admit, it stung when he said that.  I can't be angry or too upset though, because I asked. And really you shouldn't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer to.  So I've been trying to be more aware and kill off my natural desire to tell a relatable story of my own when someone tells me something.
  It's kind of hard to do when instinct makes me want to tell people stories so that they know they aren't alone, but if people don't like that... I will work on a change.  It still doesn't take away the sting of being told you're self absorbed but it puts me on a path of being a more likable person...

   I'm still in a bad place after that dream I had and I think that's partially why I'm afraid of going to sleep tonight.  I hate that I fear sleep because it takes me places in my mind that I thought I had closed off... my cousin is my Freddy Krueger. I hate him. I hate him with every fiber of my being.  I try not to waste my energy on hatred but fuck, I'm so mentally screwed because of him that I'm completely broken and unfixable.  I've spent the last 4 years working on pushing him and his memories so far down and getting to a place that feels somewhat happy just to have one tiny dream make all my work crumble away.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

the ghost of my past...

  I just woke up from the worst dream ever. It bothers me so much that after all these years I am still plagued with nightmares over what happened to me as a child.  I've actually been doing very well well and haven't had a nightmare in such a long time... but this had to be the worst.  It didn't make any sense and I couldn't escape my cousin even after his death (he was dead in my dream, not in reality).  He was a ghost, haunting my every move. He was everywhere.  It was awful.
   My heart is aching so much because I have this flood of memories and emotions washing over me. This is why I can't be around most of my extended family...  they still invited him to functions and even had functions involving him and his family after I took the leap and told them about what he did to me.  They only heard what happened... they didn't have to hear the disgusting details that I am stuck knowing alone.  I'm so ashamed and disgusted about what happene to me as a child that I could never bring myself to say most of it out loud.  I wish that my silence would make it go away... but it doesn't.  It just stays buried in me and only surfaces in my memory.
   I need a fucking hug right now and I need someone's shoulder to cry on.  I need someone who won't get angry or upset about the whole situation and will just let me cry and comfort me without prejudice or make me feel bad for showing emotion.
   Ugh. I hate this.I hate crying and giving him any power over me.

Friday, March 7, 2014

depression, you asshole.

   Sometimes, when I'm depressed I can write for days.  Other times, I can't focus on anything, let alone writing.  This current round of depression has been one where I can't concentrate for shit.  It takes me days to finish a crochet project that should take me hours and I have trouble finding inspiration.
   I have some good days though.  I have days when I'm happy for the most part of the day but then when it comes to night, I can't turn off my brain and the sadness comes back.  I absolutely hate when I'm like this and wish to be normal.  I would love to be normal and have a brain that doesn't make me super paranoid, depressed, anxious, obsessive, distracted and a whole mess of other negative things.  I would even trade my creativity for normalcy.  I wouldn't mind being considered "boring" or "plain" if it means that I don't constantly cry.
   When I'm like this, I tend to hide my feelings and put on a facade for the rest of the world.  I even hide how I feel from my husband because when I don't I'm a complete and total asshole.  I start to let my paranoia and hallucinations get to me and then I accuse him of cheating on me and I just hate myself for being so mean.
   How can I not feel the way I do?  If I were him, I'd cheat on me.  I suck.  I honestly don't know how anyone could love me.  I'm horrible and I hate me.
   I wish I could be anyone else but me sometimes.
   I'm going to continue to try to smile because they say it's contagious and I hope that it's true and that my body will catch it and I will smile for real.  My smile will be genuine and not this fake thing that allows only part of me to smile but not from deep within my soul.
   On a non-depression topic... my parents got a new puppy and I'm totally in love with him and he makes my heart smile.  I'm waiting for that smile to reach the rest of me.  I love him so much and I miss him when I'm not with him, it's the way I feel about my furry babies.  I miss them when I'm not with them and when I see them, they make me feel whole.  They fill places in my heart that I didn't even know were empty.