Thursday, February 18, 2016

I'm still here...

I've been on a blog posting hiatus.  I will write on occasion but not make anything viewable because I fear hurting feelings by writing honest posts.

My birthday is on Monday and I hate my birthday as well as most holidays now because they serve as a reminder that my family chose that disgusting bastard over me.

I have fallen out of love with most people in my family because of this... now I just feel extreme anger, hatred and disgust when I think of them.  It's pretty sad, but it's how it is.

I'm super depressed so I may sound extremely blunt or callous.  I'm aware of this but I just don't care.

I wish that my life had been different.  I wish that all the shit that happened to me during my developmental years didn't.  I would trade all the creativity I have, for a normal brain.  I hate that I've pretended to be happy or okay for so long that I'm not sure what it really feels like.  I hate that when I choose to be honest about my feelings, everyone else gets hurt and then I'm left trying to comfort and coddle them.

I just want to be able to feel the way I feel without being made to feel guilty about it.

My brain never fucking turns off and my body fucking hurts.  It's so frustrating.

I really want a puppy.  Puppies make me happy.