Saturday, August 27, 2016

And the Oscar goes to....

I am mentally ill.  There, I've said it.

I'm bipolar.  I have general anxiety and social anxiety.  I have ptsd.  I get panic and anxiety attacks daily.  I hallucinate. I get extremely paranoid over things that are all in my head.

Every fucking day is a struggle.

I don't usually tell people when I'm having a really hard time.  You see, I've learned to become an amazing actress over the years.  I spent my childhood pretending to be happy so that I wouldn't be ripped away from my parents.  I spent my teenage years pretending that I wasn't bullied and that things were ok. When secretly I was dying inside and hated life.  I have been spending my adult years trying to make sense of what happened to me as a child and what's happening to me now.

I say that I am tired of pretending, tired of acting... yet I still find myself putting on an Oscar winning performance every day.

I occasionally post about the hard time I am having, but I don't want to bring people down so I try to stay positive for everyone else... if that fails, I don't post anything.

From the outside looking in, my life looks awesome.  I have a husband who does everything for me, supports me, never calls me ugly names. I have amazing parents that give me everything.  I have a home.  I have beautiful and loving furbabies...

But- I'm struggling.  I'm struggling with living.  My body hurts.  My heart hurts.  My brain hurts. I hate it.  I hate feeling this way.  I'm scared.  I know the statistics of mentally ill people.  I know I'm not alone.  But, that doesn't stop me from feeling this way.

My mental state doesn't affect the way I will treat those I keep in my life.  If you need positive words, I will give them.  If you post a cute pic of your pets, I will love them.  If you post a funny picture, I will laugh.  If you share your art,I will oooh and awww.

I will also hold my breath as a plane flies overhead.  I will feel sick to my stomach when I watch or read the news.  I will cry when I can't put my emotions to words.  I will feel frustration and get angry when my feelings are hurt and disregarded.  I will yell when I'm sad.  I will yell when I'm angry.  I will stare at my scars and want to create more. But... I will pray.  My prayers will give me comfort.  A comfort that those who do not believe will not understand.  The next day that I wake up, I will put on my mask that hides all my pain. I will put on that Oscar winning performance.  Because if I don't... I will surely die.

I'm tired of acting, but I can't stop. It's all I know.  It's all I've done for the last 29 years.