I am mentally ill. There, I've said it.
I'm bipolar. I have general anxiety and social anxiety. I have ptsd. I get panic and anxiety attacks daily. I hallucinate. I get extremely paranoid over things that are all in my head.
Every fucking day is a struggle.
I don't usually tell people when I'm having a really hard time. You see, I've learned to become an amazing actress over the years. I spent my childhood pretending to be happy so that I wouldn't be ripped away from my parents. I spent my teenage years pretending that I wasn't bullied and that things were ok. When secretly I was dying inside and hated life. I have been spending my adult years trying to make sense of what happened to me as a child and what's happening to me now.
I say that I am tired of pretending, tired of acting... yet I still find myself putting on an Oscar winning performance every day.
I occasionally post about the hard time I am having, but I don't want to bring people down so I try to stay positive for everyone else... if that fails, I don't post anything.
From the outside looking in, my life looks awesome. I have a husband who does everything for me, supports me, never calls me ugly names. I have amazing parents that give me everything. I have a home. I have beautiful and loving furbabies...
But- I'm struggling. I'm struggling with living. My body hurts. My heart hurts. My brain hurts. I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I'm scared. I know the statistics of mentally ill people. I know I'm not alone. But, that doesn't stop me from feeling this way.
My mental state doesn't affect the way I will treat those I keep in my life. If you need positive words, I will give them. If you post a cute pic of your pets, I will love them. If you post a funny picture, I will laugh. If you share your art,I will oooh and awww.
I will also hold my breath as a plane flies overhead. I will feel sick to my stomach when I watch or read the news. I will cry when I can't put my emotions to words. I will feel frustration and get angry when my feelings are hurt and disregarded. I will yell when I'm sad. I will yell when I'm angry. I will stare at my scars and want to create more. But... I will pray. My prayers will give me comfort. A comfort that those who do not believe will not understand. The next day that I wake up, I will put on my mask that hides all my pain. I will put on that Oscar winning performance. Because if I don't... I will surely die.
I'm tired of acting, but I can't stop. It's all I know. It's all I've done for the last 29 years.