Thursday, May 23, 2013

Does My Anxiety Make Me Look Fat?

   I don't really remember when my anxiety became so bad.  I know it has gradually gotten worse over the years but I'm pretty sure I've always been anxious in social situations because of my appearance.  I know it's pretty effing sad but yeah, my weight makes me feel like people are looking at me and talking about me and saying mean things.  Because of this, it makes it so that a lot of times I really don't want to go out in public.
   It's really sad and pathetic when you think about it, but it's the hard truth.  People are cruel and mean.  People also don't teach their children manners and kids say rude shit.  A lot of times I pretend like I don't hear people but I do.  Even after losing a little weight, I still feel uncomfortable.  I'm sure that no matter what, I will probably always feel like people are talking about me because I've spent most of my life being the punchline to some asshole's sad attempt at a joke.  Despite what most people think, fat people do have feelings.
   Some people may say, "well, why don't you get up and exercise?" or "why don't you diet?" You know, I do and I have.  However, and it may not be an excuse to anyone but I'm bipolar.  I spend the majority of my time depressed.  Waking up every day is a chore.  I also have ITP so that adds to the fatigue.  Sometimes I get motivated.  I really do, but that motivation is short lived.  It may last a few days, weeks, sometimes months.  Then I get burned out or my depression returns and I start to cycle again.  It fucking sucks.
   Another shitty thing about my anxiety is that it's not only something in my head, it metastasizes into these physical symptoms.  It starts as this annoying itchy rash and I don't even notice most of the time, but I'm scratching like a frickin tweaker all over the place.  It starts in my legs and feet.  How fucking annoying is it for your effing feet to itch??? Then it's my thighs and my belly and my back.  Then I have hives on my chest and my arms.  It's insane.  I get tunnel vision and then everyone sounds like they are far away.  I do my best to ignore it, but it's really hard.  I also get irritable, but fuck, you try having itching powder all over your body and see how nice you can be.
   I try to make myself do things so that I don't become the hermit that I would prefer, but I'll be damned if staying home doesn't sound so much better than a lot of the things I make myself do.  This is why I hate being mentally ill.  It's a frickin handicap like no other.  Just because I smile and act like I'm okay, doesn't mean I am.  I'm just trying to deal with everything one day at a time.
   I just want people to know that they aren't alone with their anxiety.  They aren't alone with their bipolar.  They aren't alone with their PTSD.  This is just what I have to deal with... what do you have to deal with?  What are your ailments?

Friday, May 17, 2013

Where's Chief Bromden When You Need Him?

Being bipolar fucking sucks.  It really does.  Especially if you're an average Joe who doesn't have the cash flow like Catherine Zeta Jones to just check in for preventative care whenever you feel like it.  Most of us have to deal with it on our own.

I have to say, I'm really fucking tired of it.  I have enough mental shit to deal with, I hate this bipolar bullshit on top of my PTSD and anxiety/social anxiety crap.  Some people try to understand, but unless you are bipolar or have some other mental illness, you can't understand what it's like.

Hell, I wish I understood or could stop my mood swings or depression.  I wish I could control it better.  I try, I try really fucking hard, but sometimes it's just too much.  It consumes me.  It consumes all my energy and just drains me.  It makes me feel like I'm a huge failure because I can't be the person that I want to be.  I would LOVE to be fucking normal.  Unfortunately, I'm not.  I'm a fucked up basketcase.  I can't apologize anymore for who I am.

Some people tell me to stop using my illness as an excuse, you know what, it's not a fucking excuse, it's what it is.  I'm sorry that you aren't willing to accept me for what I am or who I am.  But what the fuck.  I spent years being strong and I spent years trying not to be so fucking sensitive and I became this fucking zombie.  I hated when I was like that.  When I was like that, I was so mean.  I was so fucking mean and I never cared about anyone's feelings because I was fucking numb and I couldn't feel anymore so I forgot anyone else could.

So now I'm extra sensitive and words hurt me and for the first fucking time in my life I am allowing myself to not hide behind this fake mask.  I am allowing myself to feel. 

My bipolar makes me want to punch myself in the face.  My PTSD comes and goes as it pleases these days.  My anxiety makes me want to crawl out of my skin and my social anxiety makes me want to just hide in a dark hole.

I hate being mentally ill.  The reason why I hate it is because everyone else treats me like I'm a leper.  Everyone makes me feel like I shouldn't be feeling my feelings.  It's like my feelings don't matter because they are not the same as everyone else's.  That's how people make me feel, just because I have mental illness.  Like the fact that I'm mentally ill negates the fact that I am also human.  If that makes any sense.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore because I'm just so difjrewgoihsjdkjvnsxk y'know?  You know when there isn't even a work to describe it... and you just want to scream random sounds and punch your keyboard?  That.  That's what I am feeling right now.