Friday, May 17, 2013

Where's Chief Bromden When You Need Him?

Being bipolar fucking sucks.  It really does.  Especially if you're an average Joe who doesn't have the cash flow like Catherine Zeta Jones to just check in for preventative care whenever you feel like it.  Most of us have to deal with it on our own.

I have to say, I'm really fucking tired of it.  I have enough mental shit to deal with, I hate this bipolar bullshit on top of my PTSD and anxiety/social anxiety crap.  Some people try to understand, but unless you are bipolar or have some other mental illness, you can't understand what it's like.

Hell, I wish I understood or could stop my mood swings or depression.  I wish I could control it better.  I try, I try really fucking hard, but sometimes it's just too much.  It consumes me.  It consumes all my energy and just drains me.  It makes me feel like I'm a huge failure because I can't be the person that I want to be.  I would LOVE to be fucking normal.  Unfortunately, I'm not.  I'm a fucked up basketcase.  I can't apologize anymore for who I am.

Some people tell me to stop using my illness as an excuse, you know what, it's not a fucking excuse, it's what it is.  I'm sorry that you aren't willing to accept me for what I am or who I am.  But what the fuck.  I spent years being strong and I spent years trying not to be so fucking sensitive and I became this fucking zombie.  I hated when I was like that.  When I was like that, I was so mean.  I was so fucking mean and I never cared about anyone's feelings because I was fucking numb and I couldn't feel anymore so I forgot anyone else could.

So now I'm extra sensitive and words hurt me and for the first fucking time in my life I am allowing myself to not hide behind this fake mask.  I am allowing myself to feel. 

My bipolar makes me want to punch myself in the face.  My PTSD comes and goes as it pleases these days.  My anxiety makes me want to crawl out of my skin and my social anxiety makes me want to just hide in a dark hole.

I hate being mentally ill.  The reason why I hate it is because everyone else treats me like I'm a leper.  Everyone makes me feel like I shouldn't be feeling my feelings.  It's like my feelings don't matter because they are not the same as everyone else's.  That's how people make me feel, just because I have mental illness.  Like the fact that I'm mentally ill negates the fact that I am also human.  If that makes any sense.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore because I'm just so difjrewgoihsjdkjvnsxk y'know?  You know when there isn't even a work to describe it... and you just want to scream random sounds and punch your keyboard?  That.  That's what I am feeling right now.

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