And the world sucks.

As promised, I'm letting everyone know what's going on and why I've been so depressed lately.  In my holiday blog I asked for everyone to send positive thoughts/vibes/prayers... essentially anything I prayed would help my mom's dog, Mayhem.
   We didn't know what was wrong with Mayhem at the time other than he hit his leg really hard and had a huge knot that would not go away.  The same thing happened to my Bubba about 3 years ago and it was cancer.  Bubba was 6 at the time, so he had lived a while for such a large dog.  He was about 5'7 when he was on 2 legs giving you a hug and weighed about 150lbs.
   Mayhem is a great dane, he's only about a year and a half and he is huge and precious and I fell in love with him the day the guy sent me his pic when we were searching for great danes.  He absolutely stole my heart and I loved him immediately.  I will never forget his huge puppy paws the first day we got him.  He may not be my dog, but I love him like he is.  I love all my parents' pets as if they were my own.
   After Christmas we took Mayhem in for x-rays to see what was going on, they said it looked like cancer.  How can that be?  He's just a baby.  So they took a biopsy and we got the news recently that it is official.  Cancer.  Fuck you, cancer.  You evil fucking bastard.  I hate you.  You've taken 2 aunts and 2 dogs and a cat that I loved.
   My heart is absolutely broken.  I can't handle this.  I just want to cry and crawl into a hole, but I don't.  I just love my furry ones and try to be strong for my parents.  I don't want to be, but I try.  So please, send positive thoughts/vibes/prayers for my family because we all feel as if we are losing a part of ourselves.

tonight, it's a 2 drink minimum.

   I rarely drink anymore.  I don't like the hangover feeling so I just kind of stopped drinking.  I went from an every day activity to pretty much nothing.  I used to drink because I needed something to sleep.  I used to drink till I passed out and wasn't even trying to enjoy anything.  I just wanted to forget everything and go into a black sleep.
   When CW and I first started dating, we would drink together and it didn't even occur to me how much I was self medicating.  Since we've been together, I don't have as big a problem falling asleep when we go to bed together.  There are still nights when I don't want to sleep, but I do.
  Tonight, tonight is different.  I need a drink.  My heart is breaking into a million pieces and I can't say why quite yet.  It has nothing to do with my marriage, so please don't think that.  I will say more when the time is right.  I'm going back to the place I went when I needed something to soothe the pain just a little.  My go to place used to be cutting, but I'm afraid to do that because of the ITP so I guess in some ways having that has helped...
  I'm super depressed and I have a shitload on my mind.  I've been practicing my knitting to keep my mind and hands a little busy.  But yes, tonight it is a 2 drink minimum...