When Your Brain Hates You...

So, I know I haven't blogged in a LONG, LONG time.  I've had a lot of things on my mind, but not the proper way to put the thoughts into words.
   I hate when I get like that.  For someone who lives for writing... art... books... it makes you feel like you are partially dead on the inside.  I know that people get tired of hearing the "woe is me" that is my life, so I rarely speak these feelings out loud.  I never say what I truly feel out loud.  I'm constantly wearing a mask and it kills me.
   I wish that I could for once be me and not fear that people will tell me to "snap out of it" or "stop being such a bitch" or "quit being so sensitive" or whatever other cliche it is that people tell those of us with mental illness because they just don't.get.it.
  My heart hurts with the pain that I cause myself and others.  It's like watching yourself from above do all this self destructive shit and not being able to stop.
   I HATE when my parents say that I was a bad kid when I hit thirteen.  I hate that to no end.  Knowing what they know now, they should see that my being undiagnosed and being molested and having PTSD was what caused me to act like that.  It's not like I had any control over it.  Like I really wanted to be a shit?  Like I want to be the way I am now? NO.  I don't.  I hate this.
   I hate myself almost every day of my life.  Why give me more reason to hate myself?  Why give me more fuel to feel like complete and absolute shit about myself?  I know people don't mean to but when they point out my bad points, things that I really and honestly do not have control over (i.e. emotions) it breaks me in half.  My parents aren't the only ones that do this.  Almost everyone I know does this to me, probably thinking they are helping or not thinking at all... my grandmother tells me I'm spoiled, I'm not sure if this is to hurt me or what the fuck, but do people not think before they say shit?
   I'm a perfectionist according to my Psychologist and when I see that I am disappointing so many people with being an utter failure and asshole, it makes me feel like complete and total trash.  I feel like I'm not worth anything.
   When I hear how horrible a person I was/am, I feel so defeated.  I feel like if I suck so fucking much, why bother?  Why bother trying to do anything to please anyone?  Because every fucking thing I do in life is to please others.  I do nothing for myself any more.
   Ever since I fell down the stairs at my mother in law's on the 4th of July and became a complete fucking gimp, I feel like I'm worth even less than I was before.  I can't do anything without being in pain.  I can't sleep comfortably, I can't move around much, I can't even take a relaxing bath.  It's like I was handed a bunch of rotten lemons that I can't even use for lemonade.  What am I supposed to do with that?
   Now, I'm having a down moment right now because today sucked, but for the most part these last couple of months have been okay because I have been at a creative peak with my crocheting.  I think that since I had a shitty night and a shitty day, I just needed to vent.  I will be better and my next blog won't be as depressing.

And the world sucks.

As promised, I'm letting everyone know what's going on and why I've been so depressed lately.  In my holiday blog I asked for everyone to send positive thoughts/vibes/prayers... essentially anything I prayed would help my mom's dog, Mayhem.
   We didn't know what was wrong with Mayhem at the time other than he hit his leg really hard and had a huge knot that would not go away.  The same thing happened to my Bubba about 3 years ago and it was cancer.  Bubba was 6 at the time, so he had lived a while for such a large dog.  He was about 5'7 when he was on 2 legs giving you a hug and weighed about 150lbs.
   Mayhem is a great dane, he's only about a year and a half and he is huge and precious and I fell in love with him the day the guy sent me his pic when we were searching for great danes.  He absolutely stole my heart and I loved him immediately.  I will never forget his huge puppy paws the first day we got him.  He may not be my dog, but I love him like he is.  I love all my parents' pets as if they were my own.
   After Christmas we took Mayhem in for x-rays to see what was going on, they said it looked like cancer.  How can that be?  He's just a baby.  So they took a biopsy and we got the news recently that it is official.  Cancer.  Fuck you, cancer.  You evil fucking bastard.  I hate you.  You've taken 2 aunts and 2 dogs and a cat that I loved.
   My heart is absolutely broken.  I can't handle this.  I just want to cry and crawl into a hole, but I don't.  I just love my furry ones and try to be strong for my parents.  I don't want to be, but I try.  So please, send positive thoughts/vibes/prayers for my family because we all feel as if we are losing a part of ourselves.