Friday, March 17, 2017

you'd be pretty if...

I've spent my entire life feeling completely ugly.  It hurts to type this, but it is a true statement.  My parents seemed to be the only people who never told me, "you'd be pretty if..." but when you look like me and you have attractive parents, you can't help but feel they are doing what parents do...  Trying to make their child feel good about themselves.

I'm not trying to get compliments, I'm just trying to sort out my feelings.

It's not something that can be so easily fixed.  It really isn't.  Years of hearing things... years of being told, "I can only imagine how beautiful you'd be if you lost weight..." "You'd be so pretty if you smiled more..." ""I wonder what you'd look like if you put a little effort into your appearance.." etc.

I was always considered the "smart one" which isn't so bad, but in a world where image is everything, it's not great.

I was made fun of in school because of my weight. I was bullied for the way I looked.  I had to compensate in some way for the way I looked.  I had to be super nice.  I had to be super giving.  I had to be funny.  I had to make fun of myself before others did it because I just couldn't handle it.

I hated waking up most mornings because I had to wake up as me.  Not only was I stuck with this broken brain that made life ridiculously hard, but I was also stuck in this body.  This body that I had made in order to not be touched ever because I hated being touched.  I hated the memories that came with being touched, I hated those feelings.  So I created an armor of fat to keep everyone away.

Being a victim of molestation fucks you up so bad.  I think if I were stupid, it wouldn't be so hard.  It would be easier to forgive those who hurt me.  But I can't because I have to live every fucking day in this body.  I have to live with this fucking face that makes me cringe every fucking time I look in the mirror.

For a brief period in time... I actually felt pretty but now, now it's even worse... My body has started to fight me.  My body and brain are trying to destroy me.  I not only have to wake up in a shitty body, but it's a body that is constantly in pain.  My brain is constantly in pain.  I can't ever escape myself.

I'm chasing that feeling that I once had... I want to feel attractive.  I hate having to "fish" for compliments and I hate that when I say how I feel people think they have to say things to make me feel better, I just want to feel beautiful.  I need to hear the words without prompting anyone.

I know this is all over the place, but it's the only way my brain processes thoughts.

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