Monday, August 12, 2013

When Your Brain Hates You...

So, I know I haven't blogged in a LONG, LONG time.  I've had a lot of things on my mind, but not the proper way to put the thoughts into words.
   I hate when I get like that.  For someone who lives for writing... art... books... it makes you feel like you are partially dead on the inside.  I know that people get tired of hearing the "woe is me" that is my life, so I rarely speak these feelings out loud.  I never say what I truly feel out loud.  I'm constantly wearing a mask and it kills me.
   I wish that I could for once be me and not fear that people will tell me to "snap out of it" or "stop being such a bitch" or "quit being so sensitive" or whatever other cliche it is that people tell those of us with mental illness because they just don'
  My heart hurts with the pain that I cause myself and others.  It's like watching yourself from above do all this self destructive shit and not being able to stop.
   I HATE when my parents say that I was a bad kid when I hit thirteen.  I hate that to no end.  Knowing what they know now, they should see that my being undiagnosed and being molested and having PTSD was what caused me to act like that.  It's not like I had any control over it.  Like I really wanted to be a shit?  Like I want to be the way I am now? NO.  I don't.  I hate this.
   I hate myself almost every day of my life.  Why give me more reason to hate myself?  Why give me more fuel to feel like complete and absolute shit about myself?  I know people don't mean to but when they point out my bad points, things that I really and honestly do not have control over (i.e. emotions) it breaks me in half.  My parents aren't the only ones that do this.  Almost everyone I know does this to me, probably thinking they are helping or not thinking at all... my grandmother tells me I'm spoiled, I'm not sure if this is to hurt me or what the fuck, but do people not think before they say shit?
   I'm a perfectionist according to my Psychologist and when I see that I am disappointing so many people with being an utter failure and asshole, it makes me feel like complete and total trash.  I feel like I'm not worth anything.
   When I hear how horrible a person I was/am, I feel so defeated.  I feel like if I suck so fucking much, why bother?  Why bother trying to do anything to please anyone?  Because every fucking thing I do in life is to please others.  I do nothing for myself any more.
   Ever since I fell down the stairs at my mother in law's on the 4th of July and became a complete fucking gimp, I feel like I'm worth even less than I was before.  I can't do anything without being in pain.  I can't sleep comfortably, I can't move around much, I can't even take a relaxing bath.  It's like I was handed a bunch of rotten lemons that I can't even use for lemonade.  What am I supposed to do with that?
   Now, I'm having a down moment right now because today sucked, but for the most part these last couple of months have been okay because I have been at a creative peak with my crocheting.  I think that since I had a shitty night and a shitty day, I just needed to vent.  I will be better and my next blog won't be as depressing.


  1. Vent and share all you want.
    You deserve to share your feelings and not be attacked for them.
    And you deserve to love yourself, and i don't know how to do that either:/ but making stuff or thinking about making stuff is something good. So we got that, girl.
    Love you!!! XO XO XO

    1. Im so lucky to have friends like you. You help me to realize I'm not alone in this... I love you lots! xoxoxo

  2. I'm so sorry that people treat you that way! No one deserves that. I have a bipolar daughter and she is challenging but i would never think of pointing out her shortcomings. That's very insensitive, especially from family. I hope things get better for you, you deserve so much more!

    1. Thank you. I'm not sure if people realize how much stuff hurts me because I've never been vocal about it till recently and I believe after 30 yrs of being so bluntly critical of me... it's a hard habit for everyone to break. I'm not made of the stone everyone seems to think I am. I'm flesh and blood so I bleed when someone takes a jab.