Tuesday, June 11, 2013

It's just another manic... Tuesday?

   I've been really manic the last few weeks and in some ways it's pretty good for my creativity, but in others it sucks so much ass.  The reason why it sucks is because I've been pretty impulsive in many aspects of life and that includes personal...

   It's hard to explain but I love being manic for a few reasons but I also hate it for so much more.  I hate it because I'm so self destructive and I'm so fucking crazy but at times I feel like I'm so insanely happy that I am walking on a cloud.  A FUCKING CLOUD!!! I want to laugh, I want to cry.  I want to just fucking scream.  I can't tell which way is up or down.

   The other shitty thing is my sleep is kind of off.  It's like I don't want to do it.  I do it because I have to, but I don't want to.  I need my medication to make me do it.  I'm a lot more anxious and paranoid about things that don't exist.  I mean right now, I'm pretty lucid, I'm lucid enough to write this post so I know that things are crazy when I think of them but I'm not thinking of the crazy shit I normally think of so I can't really give you an example.

   Most of the time I live my life on the depressed end of the bipolar spectrum and that fucking sucks because being depressed sucks.  It's not something I choose, it's something that just happens.  I fucking hate when people tell me that I'm choosing to live my life that way.  Who the fuck seriously chooses to be depressed all the time?

  So being insanely fucking manic is a nice change.  I like it.  I'm not going to lie.  But I hate not knowing what each day is going to bring.  I hate not knowing where my head is going to be.  I hate not being able to sit down long enough to finish one fucking project.  I'm on a deadline here!


  1. I was thinking the same thing yesterday. Definitely on an upswing... more hypomanic these days (I rapidly cycle, so my "up" can change in an hour). I love the creativity, but hate the 50 zillion different directions that I'm trying not to think about. This is where I have to be more careful with my moods and interactions.

    Hugs :)

    1. It's so weird. I haven't been manic for this long, in a few years and now I am having more rapid cycles as well. I REALLY love the highs... but I severely hate the lows. BIG BIG HUGS to you too, girly!

    2. BTW... my email isn't sending me notifications when I get an email lately LoL sorry for the delayed response!