I don't really remember when my anxiety became so bad. I know it has gradually gotten worse over the years but I'm pretty sure I've always been anxious in social situations because of my appearance. I know it's pretty effing sad but yeah, my weight makes me feel like people are looking at me and talking about me and saying mean things. Because of this, it makes it so that a lot of times I really don't want to go out in public.
It's really sad and pathetic when you think about it, but it's the hard truth. People are cruel and mean. People also don't teach their children manners and kids say rude shit. A lot of times I pretend like I don't hear people but I do. Even after losing a little weight, I still feel uncomfortable. I'm sure that no matter what, I will probably always feel like people are talking about me because I've spent most of my life being the punchline to some asshole's sad attempt at a joke. Despite what most people think, fat people do have feelings.
Some people may say, "well, why don't you get up and exercise?" or "why don't you diet?" You know, I do and I have. However, and it may not be an excuse to anyone but I'm bipolar. I spend the majority of my time depressed. Waking up every day is a chore. I also have ITP so that adds to the fatigue. Sometimes I get motivated. I really do, but that motivation is short lived. It may last a few days, weeks, sometimes months. Then I get burned out or my depression returns and I start to cycle again. It fucking sucks.
Another shitty thing about my anxiety is that it's not only something in my head, it metastasizes into these physical symptoms. It starts as this annoying itchy rash and I don't even notice most of the time, but I'm scratching like a frickin tweaker all over the place. It starts in my legs and feet. How fucking annoying is it for your effing feet to itch??? Then it's my thighs and my belly and my back. Then I have hives on my chest and my arms. It's insane. I get tunnel vision and then everyone sounds like they are far away. I do my best to ignore it, but it's really hard. I also get irritable, but fuck, you try having itching powder all over your body and see how nice you can be.
I try to make myself do things so that I don't become the hermit that I would prefer, but I'll be damned if staying home doesn't sound so much better than a lot of the things I make myself do. This is why I hate being mentally ill. It's a frickin handicap like no other. Just because I smile and act like I'm okay, doesn't mean I am. I'm just trying to deal with everything one day at a time.
I just want people to know that they aren't alone with their anxiety. They aren't alone with their bipolar. They aren't alone with their PTSD. This is just what I have to deal with... what do you have to deal with? What are your ailments?