Thursday, January 3, 2013

tonight, it's a 2 drink minimum.

   I rarely drink anymore.  I don't like the hangover feeling so I just kind of stopped drinking.  I went from an every day activity to pretty much nothing.  I used to drink because I needed something to sleep.  I used to drink till I passed out and wasn't even trying to enjoy anything.  I just wanted to forget everything and go into a black sleep.
   When CW and I first started dating, we would drink together and it didn't even occur to me how much I was self medicating.  Since we've been together, I don't have as big a problem falling asleep when we go to bed together.  There are still nights when I don't want to sleep, but I do.
  Tonight, tonight is different.  I need a drink.  My heart is breaking into a million pieces and I can't say why quite yet.  It has nothing to do with my marriage, so please don't think that.  I will say more when the time is right.  I'm going back to the place I went when I needed something to soothe the pain just a little.  My go to place used to be cutting, but I'm afraid to do that because of the ITP so I guess in some ways having that has helped...
  I'm super depressed and I have a shitload on my mind.  I've been practicing my knitting to keep my mind and hands a little busy.  But yes, tonight it is a 2 drink minimum...

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