Wednesday, March 19, 2014

the ghost of my past...

  I just woke up from the worst dream ever. It bothers me so much that after all these years I am still plagued with nightmares over what happened to me as a child.  I've actually been doing very well well and haven't had a nightmare in such a long time... but this had to be the worst.  It didn't make any sense and I couldn't escape my cousin even after his death (he was dead in my dream, not in reality).  He was a ghost, haunting my every move. He was everywhere.  It was awful.
   My heart is aching so much because I have this flood of memories and emotions washing over me. This is why I can't be around most of my extended family...  they still invited him to functions and even had functions involving him and his family after I took the leap and told them about what he did to me.  They only heard what happened... they didn't have to hear the disgusting details that I am stuck knowing alone.  I'm so ashamed and disgusted about what happene to me as a child that I could never bring myself to say most of it out loud.  I wish that my silence would make it go away... but it doesn't.  It just stays buried in me and only surfaces in my memory.
   I need a fucking hug right now and I need someone's shoulder to cry on.  I need someone who won't get angry or upset about the whole situation and will just let me cry and comfort me without prejudice or make me feel bad for showing emotion.
   Ugh. I hate this.I hate crying and giving him any power over me.

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