I can't sleep so I decided to watch Sunday's episode of Girls that I missed. I can't remember what episode it was but after watching it, I'm trying to be more aware of myself. The reason why is because in the episode one of the characters said something about writers always being self-absorbed and making everything about them... and that's exactly how Hannah is and I don't want to be like her because she sucks and has narcissistic personality disorder to such a extent that it pisses me off. I asked my husband if it was true about what the chick said about writers, if I'm like that and he said I am like that.
I have to admit, it stung when he said that. I can't be angry or too upset though, because I asked. And really you shouldn't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer to. So I've been trying to be more aware and kill off my natural desire to tell a relatable story of my own when someone tells me something.
It's kind of hard to do when instinct makes me want to tell people stories so that they know they aren't alone, but if people don't like that... I will work on a change. It still doesn't take away the sting of being told you're self absorbed but it puts me on a path of being a more likable person...
I'm still in a bad place after that dream I had and I think that's partially why I'm afraid of going to sleep tonight. I hate that I fear sleep because it takes me places in my mind that I thought I had closed off... my cousin is my Freddy Krueger. I hate him. I hate him with every fiber of my being. I try not to waste my energy on hatred but fuck, I'm so mentally screwed because of him that I'm completely broken and unfixable. I've spent the last 4 years working on pushing him and his memories so far down and getting to a place that feels somewhat happy just to have one tiny dream make all my work crumble away.