Sometimes, when I'm depressed I can write for days. Other times, I can't focus on anything, let alone writing. This current round of depression has been one where I can't concentrate for shit. It takes me days to finish a crochet project that should take me hours and I have trouble finding inspiration.
I have some good days though. I have days when I'm happy for the most part of the day but then when it comes to night, I can't turn off my brain and the sadness comes back. I absolutely hate when I'm like this and wish to be normal. I would love to be normal and have a brain that doesn't make me super paranoid, depressed, anxious, obsessive, distracted and a whole mess of other negative things. I would even trade my creativity for normalcy. I wouldn't mind being considered "boring" or "plain" if it means that I don't constantly cry.
When I'm like this, I tend to hide my feelings and put on a facade for the rest of the world. I even hide how I feel from my husband because when I don't I'm a complete and total asshole. I start to let my paranoia and hallucinations get to me and then I accuse him of cheating on me and I just hate myself for being so mean.
How can I not feel the way I do? If I were him, I'd cheat on me. I suck. I honestly don't know how anyone could love me. I'm horrible and I hate me.
I wish I could be anyone else but me sometimes.
I'm going to continue to try to smile because they say it's contagious and I hope that it's true and that my body will catch it and I will smile for real. My smile will be genuine and not this fake thing that allows only part of me to smile but not from deep within my soul.
On a non-depression topic... my parents got a new puppy and I'm totally in love with him and he makes my heart smile. I'm waiting for that smile to reach the rest of me. I love him so much and I miss him when I'm not with him, it's the way I feel about my furry babies. I miss them when I'm not with them and when I see them, they make me feel whole. They fill places in my heart that I didn't even know were empty.