Friday, March 7, 2014

depression, you asshole.

   Sometimes, when I'm depressed I can write for days.  Other times, I can't focus on anything, let alone writing.  This current round of depression has been one where I can't concentrate for shit.  It takes me days to finish a crochet project that should take me hours and I have trouble finding inspiration.
   I have some good days though.  I have days when I'm happy for the most part of the day but then when it comes to night, I can't turn off my brain and the sadness comes back.  I absolutely hate when I'm like this and wish to be normal.  I would love to be normal and have a brain that doesn't make me super paranoid, depressed, anxious, obsessive, distracted and a whole mess of other negative things.  I would even trade my creativity for normalcy.  I wouldn't mind being considered "boring" or "plain" if it means that I don't constantly cry.
   When I'm like this, I tend to hide my feelings and put on a facade for the rest of the world.  I even hide how I feel from my husband because when I don't I'm a complete and total asshole.  I start to let my paranoia and hallucinations get to me and then I accuse him of cheating on me and I just hate myself for being so mean.
   How can I not feel the way I do?  If I were him, I'd cheat on me.  I suck.  I honestly don't know how anyone could love me.  I'm horrible and I hate me.
   I wish I could be anyone else but me sometimes.
   I'm going to continue to try to smile because they say it's contagious and I hope that it's true and that my body will catch it and I will smile for real.  My smile will be genuine and not this fake thing that allows only part of me to smile but not from deep within my soul.
   On a non-depression topic... my parents got a new puppy and I'm totally in love with him and he makes my heart smile.  I'm waiting for that smile to reach the rest of me.  I love him so much and I miss him when I'm not with him, it's the way I feel about my furry babies.  I miss them when I'm not with them and when I see them, they make me feel whole.  They fill places in my heart that I didn't even know were empty.

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