Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Love, bipolar style.

   In a world where marriage isn't as sacred as it once was, it's hard to make the decision to get married.  It's hard to decide if you want to spend your life with someone or not.

The words "till death do us part" do not carry the same meaning anymore.

Marriage isn't sacred any longer.  It's just something people do.  Like changing underwear.  I know people who have been married and divorced multiple times before the age of 30.  THIRTY!

I know some people who should have been divorced a long time ago but for some fucked up reason are still together even though they hate each others' guts.  Or at least, that's the way they come off.

At the age of 15, I wanted to get married and be a wife and mother.  At the age of 19, I hated men and decided I never wanted to get married.  At the age of 22, I became lonely and desired companionship but couldn't find anyone that I could see spending my life with.

At the age of 25, the guy I'd been crushing on for years was finally single.

After the first night we hung out, I saw myself spending every waking moment loving him.

I'm difficult to be in a relationship with, the paranoia, jealousy, angry outbursts, rage etc. that are all part of me, make me a ticking time bomb that knows no bounds.

I was a decent girlfriend, an iffy fiance and I am a terrible wife.

You see, when I am manic, I suck.  When I am depressed, I suck.  There's really no in between.

Over the last few years, I've grown tired of pretending with life.  I've grown tired of putting on a fake smile, I've grown tired of acting happy.  I've grown tired of being around people that essentially piss me off.

I've always been kind of mouthy.  It's always been a fault of mine to have  no filter.  I don't know if it's my mental illness or just plain assholeness.  

I wanted to spend my life with my husband because he was the first person that loved me despite all my faults.  He was the first person that could handle such an alpha female.  Not many men are comfortable enough in their masculinity to accept a woman who refuses to follow the protocol of what the world views as alpha and beta.

With my husband, I've been able to let myself be vulnerable and deal with the shit that I pushed down to the bottom of my mind and tried to forget but couldn't.

I no longer have to be the fake version of myself.  I get to be the real me.

I know that it's bad to be so dependent on someone and to make someone your world, but how can I not make him my world when he's the reason I'm not completely broken anymore.

We aren't a perfect couple.  We fight, a lot.  But at the end of the day, he's everything I wanted in a man, and more.

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