Saturday, October 5, 2013

R.I.P Grandma GG

   I watched my movie for today, but I don't want that to be the main focus of this blog since I have other shit on my mind as well.  I will briefly discuss the movie, then I will get into more important things.
   It's funny too, because I have a lot I'd like to say about the movie but I won't.  I watched The Possession today and it was the first of the movies I've watched that actually kind of freaked me out.  I was surprised to see Matisyahu in it.  I love him.  I love his music and what he stands for.  I definitely recommend this movie for those who like exorcism movies.

   Now for more pressing subjects, today my aunt called me and I missed her call but there was no message so I called her back to find out what was up.  She said she wanted to know if I wanted to visit my great grandma (I've always just called her grandma) which was odd, because I just saw her Sunday and I would be going again on Sunday.  She told me that she had been non responsive and had shallow breathing.  My heart fell.  I feel like I'm broken.  I haven't lost a human family member in almost five years when my cousin passed away.
   I do not deal with death well because it gets me to my core.  I fear death so much.  I fear what comes after and I fear that I have not been a good enough person, although I try my hardest.  I am afraid of dying and I am afraid for those who die.  I like to think that my loved ones are still with me in some shape or form after they pass, but I also hate to think that they would be stuck here, rather than passing on.
   Now, I didn't get to visit my grandma for almost 3 months while I was waiting to heal with my legs.  I was afraid of driving because sometimes my legs don't want to work with me.  I hate that because of my stupidity in falling down the stairs, I lost so much time with my grandma.
   I hate that I'm a fucking gimpy cripple.
   I have to now possibly see people that I don't want to because everyone is visiting my grandma.  I understand that people will be there, but I still don't have to like it or those that I have written out of my life.  I'm not going to not see my grandma because I dislike a good chunk of people in my family, I will just deal with it and all the shit that comes with it.
   My heart hurts.  I do not know what else to say because I feel like curling up in a ball and crying.  I want to hold on to my parents and husband and never EVER let them go.

As I was writing this blog, I got a call from my aunt to let me know that my grandma has passed on.  My husband and I went to say our goodbye and while we were there, my angry heart let go of my anger for one night to hug all those in sight.  Even those that I have written out of my life.

I know one thing for sure, I AM broken.  I have to rebuild again.

My grandma was 95 years old.

When I was 15, I used to pick her up to take her to family dinner night.  She never said anything to me about cussing and being an angry driver.  I did this every Wednesday for as long as we had family dinner.  We no longer do this, but these memories are memories I will always cherish.  I have all my grandmum's unused yarn and unfinished projects.  I will think of her every time I make something with love and yarn.

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