I watched my movie for today, but I don't want that to be the main focus of this blog since I have other shit on my mind as well. I will briefly discuss the movie, then I will get into more important things.
It's funny too, because I have a lot I'd like to say about the movie but I won't. I watched The Possession today and it was the first of the movies I've watched that actually kind of freaked me out. I was surprised to see Matisyahu in it. I love him. I love his music and what he stands for. I definitely recommend this movie for those who like exorcism movies.
Now for more pressing subjects, today my aunt called me and I missed her call but there was no message so I called her back to find out what was up. She said she wanted to know if I wanted to visit my great grandma (I've always just called her grandma) which was odd, because I just saw her Sunday and I would be going again on Sunday. She told me that she had been non responsive and had shallow breathing. My heart fell. I feel like I'm broken. I haven't lost a human family member in almost five years when my cousin passed away.
I do not deal with death well because it gets me to my core. I fear death so much. I fear what comes after and I fear that I have not been a good enough person, although I try my hardest. I am afraid of dying and I am afraid for those who die. I like to think that my loved ones are still with me in some shape or form after they pass, but I also hate to think that they would be stuck here, rather than passing on.
Now, I didn't get to visit my grandma for almost 3 months while I was waiting to heal with my legs. I was afraid of driving because sometimes my legs don't want to work with me. I hate that because of my stupidity in falling down the stairs, I lost so much time with my grandma.
I hate that I'm a fucking gimpy cripple.
I have to now possibly see people that I don't want to because everyone is visiting my grandma. I understand that people will be there, but I still don't have to like it or those that I have written out of my life. I'm not going to not see my grandma because I dislike a good chunk of people in my family, I will just deal with it and all the shit that comes with it.
My heart hurts. I do not know what else to say because I feel like curling up in a ball and crying. I want to hold on to my parents and husband and never EVER let them go.
As I was writing this blog, I got a call from my aunt to let me know that my grandma has passed on. My husband and I went to say our goodbye and while we were there, my angry heart let go of my anger for one night to hug all those in sight. Even those that I have written out of my life.
I know one thing for sure, I AM broken. I have to rebuild again.
My grandma was 95 years old.
When I was 15, I used to pick her up to take her to family dinner night. She never said anything to me about cussing and being an angry driver. I did this every Wednesday for as long as we had family dinner. We no longer do this, but these memories are memories I will always cherish. I have all my grandmum's unused yarn and unfinished projects. I will think of her every time I make something with love and yarn.