I've been an emotional wreck for most of my life. There are many wonderful memories I have, despite myself. Some of the memories that I recall when I want to smile are seeing my great grandma making tortillas or stirring the chile on a Sunday morning.
I miss that. I miss seeing my family members play yahtzee and make fun of each other. I miss being with everyone before everything got so complicated.
I remember going to pick up my great grandma over the years for family dinner. I would sit and watch a little TV with her and sometimes even help her get ready. As we would drive, I would practice my spanish on her and she never made fun of me or corrected me. I would ask her how to say something and she would simply tell me. She never made fun of my accent and she never made me feel stupid for saying something incorrectly. She was the only person I felt comfortable speaking to in Spanish.
If something pissed me off on the road, I would say something fueled with anger and she would nod and tell me "I know" or "yes" when I would ask her if she saw what just happened. She never made me feel bad for anything I said.
I remember watching her crochet these beautiful blankets and I remember wishing that I could have one of her creations for myself. When I got older, she was an inspiration in my desire to create. I learned how to crochet with the help of my best friend and every time I made something, I couldn't help but think of her. She would ask me what I was making and I would show her and she would nod her approval.
I've missed my grandma for quite sometime. I missed her talking to me and I missed her understanding me. I'm so lucky that I got to spend all the time I did with her because I am blessed to have these memories. I have thirty years with her in my life and I wish it could have been more, but life doesn't always give us what we want.
I hate that I have to say goodbye to someone that I loved so much. I hate that I will never see her again. Nothing will ever feel right. As nothing ever feels right when someone is taken from you.